Wow - so an hour ago I wrote this and as I was doing so I decided to change the headline. Well I copied and pasted what I had written originally and accidently copied over it. So I guess in hindsight, I needed to rewrite it. Nice theory anyway and it keeps me from throwing the keyboard out the door. It is interesting that happened because in the post I pasted over I wrote about my mind being so jumbled and this is a prime example of it.

I just cannot seem to focus on anything lately and all I want to do is be with Mama T and lil guy. I find myself in the mornings dropping lil guy off at daycare and purposefully holding him a bit longer each morning, kissing him a few extra times or stroking his hair to one side of his head. I even have forgotten to put his bag in his cubby hole and have to go back in to put it up and get one more kiss and smile.

I never knew my life would change so much and I would want to spend so much time together as a family. I never get tired of being a mom to him, it is like I have found what my true job in life is. Does that sound sad? I am really struggling with my job right now and finding the meaning in it besides a paycheck. My boss and co-workers are great and have been so understanding since his arrival. It is just the commute is long and I find myself dreading it more and more every day.

I know they have to notice that my passion is gone and the drive to see things to completion is lacking. I mean don't get me wrong, I am completing my projects, but I just don't have a tremendous amount of joy in it. I just don't know how to get it back. My priorities have shifted majorly and I want to do things in my life that have meaning and purpose. I need to look at things from a standpoint that we will be providing him with many opportunities in life with both salaries and without them he would be stuck at home with me... and then what? Would I have the same thoughts and feelings about him, us and our family?

Unfortunately, since the flooding issues the commute has gotten even longer. I try to be patient, but in the back of my mind I know I could be with my son if only I didn't work so far from home. I know most would tell me to change my circumstances, but could I? There is nothing that compares money wise around the house to what I am making now. I just need to feel as if what I do besides being a mom is worth something to someone and it makes a difference every time I step into my office.

Speaking of the flooding I cannot help but think of the family who lost their two year old son during the flooding. They watched as the flood waters rose around their mobile home, they woke their sons, got them dressed and made the most difficult decision imaginable - they decided to make a break for it. The parents got in as many "I love yous" as possible and they ventured out into the darkness and raging flood waters each holding one of their sons. Their oldest son was swept from his father's arms while his wife was able to straddle a tree with her legs and hold on for dear life holding the other son in one arm while the other was wrapped around the tree.

I cannot imagine the horror they are going through as a family, but it is instances like these that make me cherish every moment even more with our son. I wake up in the morning longing to see his beautiful smile that lights up a room and the twinkle in his eyes that makes your heart melt. I want to be a part of his daily experiences and instead I sit in traffic fighting my mind from trying to tally all the seconds, minutes and hours I am kept from him and Mama T on a daily basis.

I was told recently that once you become a mother that guilt becomes your best friend and is with you all the time. I believe it... she is with me like white on rice. Our son is almost a year old... when does this get any better?